The Aviary

Things:

- It's not actually going to snow tonight - the forecast says the snow isn't going to start here till tomorrow evening - but that isn't stopping me from still hoping something will happen and I'll have a snow day tomorrow.

- Every year, I do this stupid thing where I have Yule and it's a big deal and then it's over and I say "okay, I'm taking a couple days off from religious devotion" and then fall out of the habit of devotion entirely. This year, to the point that I entirely missed celebrating Disting. (Oops.) But today I did some devotion revamping, so I think I'm back on track for a while. (Till summer, which is the other time when I traditionally just kinda stop doing religious stuff for a while...)

- I have a new fun solo rpg tool that I'm really enjoying using - it's the Location Crafter. (Made by the same people who made the Adventure Crafter, which I also really enjoy.) I'm getting better at planning cool stuff for my solo games while also working in stuff that's going to be a surprise or that I can discover in play and the Location Crafter has been a fun tool in that regard. It's designed to randomly generate a location to explore, which is already cool and has the potential for surprises. You do this by making a few lists of things that might show up that you can then roll on, and it has options to include some random elements that you can discover in play. I'm also experimenting with putting short phrases on the lists without knowing what those phrases mean. In the one I'm using for my Ironsworn game, I have a location listed that's just "the black ash tree". In my tiny rpg, there's an encounter listed with "the Crying Child". I don't know what either of those things are or why they're significant but I'm excited to find out.

- The lemon cake I made this past weekend is extremely good. It's not quite as moist as I ideally want but it is lemony as hell and I love it. I also have several other lemon cake recipes to try in my quest to find the perfect lemon cake. I'm very excited about this continuing experiment.

So, it's Mothernight and I am pretty depressed right now, for a variety of reasons: general state of the world, I miss my sisters, and my grandmother's health is going rapidly downhill which, on top of being very sad, also means that everything is stressful and difficult right now.

Yule is not particularly happy this year, therefore, but that's okay. Yule is usually a pretty happy celebratory holiday for me, but I'm glad that it has space for this too: sometimes, everything sucks and the only thing you can hold on to is that things will keep going. The sun will come up, you'll still be here, and you keep moving forward towards maybe someday spring.

In the mean time, I guess I will keep lighting candles.

And so the Shortest Day came and the year died
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive.
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us - listen!
All the long echoes, sing the same delight,
This Shortest Day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, feast, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And now so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!

~Susan Cooper


Glad Yule, everyone.

Tonight is Mothernight, which is the night before the first morning of Yule.

I think about Ragnarok a lot at Yuletide, especially on Mothernight - the UPG version of Ragnarok I have in my head, the one that could happen any day, every day, whenever any person decides to give into hatred and fear and leave the path of virtue. I think Ragnarok can be inside each of us - that we are all at any moment potentially the Wolf or Odin dying to kill the Wolf, potentially fiery Surtr burning the nine worlds down or Lif and Lifthrasir sheltering inside Yggdrasil. (Or, more closely to my heart, that I can be Loki Scar-lip, spitting acid and hate, or Loki Fireweed, who brings renewal after upheaval.)

The sun comes up on solstice morning as it has since before there were people to notice. It comes up with or without us and we know that the great external Ragnarok hasn't come yet this year. The sun will come up tomorrow too. And that can remind us that in our small, personal Ragnaroks, we can choose not to be the Wolf. We can choose peace and frith and joy, and to bring the sun back up. It is our duty to bring the sun back up.

But we have to wait through the long night first. We keep the light alive through the dark of Mothernight to remind us that we can keep it alive in ourselves, in the depths of our own darkness.

It's been real dark of late, I think. But the sun is coming up tomorrow.






My Mothernight music is usually somber and thoughtful. But tonight, I want something different. So here is a song about waiting for a celebration, one that's inevitably coming like the sun and will sweep us up even in our grief.


my heart's dark but it's rising


Glad Yule, everybody.

Things:

- Since November, I've been trying to write in my paper journal every day. I find this leads to not writing here. Sorry.

- Earlier this week, a notoriously child-hating patron of the library came in and handed me a box of candy canes saying, "There'll be kids in here soon, maybe you can hand these out." I thanked him, put them in the office, and didn't give them to anyone. They were still wrapped, so I'm pretty sure they weren't poisoned, but you never can tell.

- I am still reading a lot of Revolutionary War-related nonfiction. The thing about reading about Thomas Jefferson is that I want to make notes that just say NERD in big letters on basically every line, which is probably not helpful. (Oh god, he was so hilariously terrible.)

- Yesterday, I told a coworker my theory about Washington having magical powers. She nodded and then asked if I had read Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, and we talked about that for a while. Sadly, she works mostly at Poulsbo and was only subbing at Kingston, so she can't be my new work-best-friend.

- I went to see Deadpool yesterday and it was pretty much everything I wanted out of a Deadpool movie, by which I mean that it was full of stabbing and jokes I would feel uncomfortable about if my parents were in the room. Sometimes, that is all I want in life.

- For the past few weeks, I've been attending a Quaker meeting on Sundays. (You can be a Quaker and not be a Christian. Who knew, right?) It is immensely satisfying. Which is maybe a weird thing to say about sitting in a circle with a dozen other people and mostly not talking at all while you all think about god/the gods for an hour, but yeah, it really is. I won't be able to go next week, and I'm pretty sure I'm really going to miss it.

- The reason I can't go is that next week is my grandmother's 90th birthday and all the aunts are coming. Also my cousin and his wife. And my sisters. And while I'm super happy that they can all come to celebrate Granny's birthday, oh my god, where are we going to put them all, what are we going to do with them, I have never met my cousin's wife and will have to make conversation with her, oh no.



And that's what going on with me!

frenchroast asked for the continuation of yesterday's story and let's be real, I am always up for telling Norse mythology stories. So here it is! This story can also be found in the Prose Edda, but yesterday's disclaimers still apply. (Loki is in this one too, though not as much as last time.)


( How Skadhi Thjazisdottir Came to Asgard )


Not gonna lie, if anyone want me to tell more stories, I will totally do that.

Choir rehearsals started tonight for our spring session. We are doing the Haydn Creation, which is the story of Genesis as sung by a choir of angels and looks like it's going to be pretty fun, even if it is one of those pieces where the soloists get all the really cool parts. I'm enjoying it so far.

But you know what I really want to sing? A giant dramatic choral work based on my creation myth. Because how awesome would that be? It would be totally awesome, that is the answer.

( Here is a brief retelling of the Norse creation myth for those who may not know it. )

That's a pretty great story, right? I mean,the beginning of Genesis is pretty cool but it doesn't have giants or building worlds out of bones or primordial cows. You could make a hell of a big orchestral chorale work out of that story. A basso profundo soloist for Ymir, a mezzo or an alto for Audhulma, a bass-baritone-tenor trio for the son of Bor (the tenor* singing Odin gets at least one aria to himself). It opens with a loud wordless dissonant chorus that represents the primal chaos - women as fire, men as ice, opposing lines - that gradually resolves into the still peace of the Ginnungagap. The chorus sings the flood too, and then they sing behind the trio as they build with Ymir's body. Then there's a final triumphant choral movement describing the awe of the first sunrise over the new worlds. (Yeah, I know, we didn't cover Sunna and Mani. Whatever, artistic license.) It could be amazing. Someone should write that so I can sing in it.

(And then they should write something about the creation of Ask and Embla, because that is my favorite myth. And there should be at least half as many chorale works about the Ragnarok as there are requiems - "an axe-age, a sword-age, shields will be cloven, a wind-age, a wolf-age, before the world's ruin." Who doesn't want that set to music?)

Basically, sometimes, I would like to sing impressive chorale works that aren't about Jesus.







*Yeah, the tenor. Hjarrandi, the Screamer, and Jalk, the Gelding - Odin should be sung by a tenor.

Things:

- Apparently, I am really bad at updating lately. I'm going to try to do better about that. I feel better when I blog, I think, even if it's wholly inconsequential stuff.

- I found a semi-local (well, they're in Port Orchard) pagan meet-up group and I'm planning to go to my first meet-up this weekend. I am super nervous about it. I love the idea of having a group of people to to worship with but then I actually go to things and it involves a lot of talking to people I don't know and I freak out. Still, going at all is a good first step.

- This also neatly gets me out of feeling like I ought to think of something to do for Disting. (The thing I'm going to is really an Imbolc thing, but they happen around the same time, so...) I always have trouble with Disting.

- This is the week that Megan moves back home! She's coming up from Santa Barbara on Tuesday. So all the family will be back in Washington! She and Katie are planning to find an apartment in Seattle, but they'll both be living with us until they do. (Fingers crossed that we don't kill each other.) Honestly, though, I'm looking forward to having her here. 8)

- We are doing exactly two pieces in chorale this session. One of them is a Vaughan Williams piece (which I still don't have music for, despite there only being two pieces and the session having started 4 weeks ago) and the other is the Verdi Requiem. Which explains why we only have two pieces. I have read actual novels that are shorter than this score. We get to perform with the Bainbridge orchestra, in a venue that isn't a church! I'm so excited!

- The problem with Monday is that I don't get a break till 1 o'clock and I always want lunch at least an hour before. I am hungry.

What being a Lokean is like, for me:

Today, I had my annual Have Lunch With My Manager And Talk About My Self-Appraisal thing. Obviously, I hate this and spend the day before it dreading the fact that I have to do such a hateful thing. And a couple people yesterday were talking about well, it might snow.

So last night, half-joking, I said, "Hey Loki, you who are my Friend and Best of Companions, if it could snow before I go to work tomorrow, that would be totally awesome." Because Loki is the god I ask for things I know I shouldn't have but want anyway.

Today, just as I was leaving for work, it began to snow. Tiny, tiny, infinitesimal, intermittent flakes of snow, with absolutely no chance of sticking or accumulating. Alanis Morrisette ironic snow. So I stared up at the sky and laughed my fool head off. I may have yelled, "I guess that will teach me to be more specific!"

And then I went to my terrible meeting and, of course, everything was fine. And it did snow before I went to work, and it was, indeed, totally awesome so perhaps tonight I should pour out some kind of libation to my tricksy god. I think I have some orange soda.

I wrote up this big long post about how I was feeling kinda growly about being surrounded by Christmas and how that makes me feel tired and cranky but by dint of writing the post, I started to feel better. Because now I am thinking about Yule instead.

You guys, Yule is my favorite religious* holiday. Which is pretty great because it is the most important heathen holiday. 8) So now I am going to tell you about some of the things I love about Yule.

- I love Mothernight, which is the first night of Yule. Heathen holidays start at sundown the night before, so I celebrate Mothernight on the evening of the 20th. It's for remembering your disir (basically, your female ancestors, though that's not entirely accurate) and All-Mother Frigga, and her 12 handmaidens. Next to Loki, Frigga is the deity I talk to the most, so Mothernight is pretty important to me.

- Yule is also a time when I try to honor Mother Holda, who blesses the industrious. She's heavily associated with spinning and in some places, it was traditional to have all your spinning done by Yule, in order to receive Holda's blessing. I don't spin, but I do crochet and knit, so I try to have all of my current projects done before Mothernight. (I didn't manage it last year, but I think I'll be able to this year.) I like this because it's both a reason to work hard and get things finished and a reason to remember that I get to rest when I need to.

- I like the solstice morning. I don't stay up all night (though some year, I'd like to try it), but I get up before sunrise and make a cup of tea or something else hot and I go outside to watch the sunrise. I usually say a few things to greet the sun or sing a song, and I make a toast. (We are big on toasts, heathens.) And it's important. Literally, of course, there is not a giant wolf chasing the goddess Sunna across the sky. But mythologically, metaphorically? There is some bad shit out there, and some bad shit happened this year and the sun rising symbolically means that we got through it, one more time. The night is long and dark, but the sun rises. Life chose us again this year. We are not lost.

- So, party time! Yule is sacred to Freyr and Freyja, who are party gods. They are gods of life and love and frith and wealth, so I get to celebrate them by eating as much as I want and having a good time. One of the things I like about heathenry is its attitude toward wealth. Which is, basically, wealth is good. Greed is bad. Of course you want to have nice things but when you have nice things, you should share them. (Not sharing turns you into a dragon, which is generally to be avoided.) I like that heathenry is charitable without being ascetic.

- It's hard to know whether presents at Yule are traditional or not, but presents are awesome, so who cares? I love giving presents to people I care about and I'm lucky enough to be able to. I like being able to share that luck.

- I like that Yule is so long. It's twelve whole days long, this long space between the old year and the new when we get to rest and relax and regroup for the year that's coming. It's a good space to make plans and figure out how to do better. I keep thinking that, one year, I'm going to take the whole twelve days off from work, but I haven't done that yet. I've got the first six days off this year, though, so that's awesome.

- I like that, if I start the count from December 21st, Yule ends on January 1st. That's not particularly important, but I find it pleasing. 8)

- Yule is always the time that I feel closest to the gods. Which makes sense - the gods are called "Yule-beings", after all. It is, for me, the holiest time of year: the darkest, the brightest, the most profound, the most full of simple pleasures and good things.



So. Yule is pretty great. I'm looking forward to it.





*Modifier added because of Halloween, which does has some religious aspects for me and I usually celebrate Winternights concurrently, but is not in itself a religious holiday.

I really wish people would stop asking me if I had a good Easter.

I mean, I'm sure it's very nice of them to ask and I know they're just being polite and that they mean it well. But it takes me aback and I'm not entirely sure how to answer since "Yes" feels dishonest in a way that I find unpleasant* and "I had a nice weekend, thank you" apparently invites questions about don't I celebrate Easter and why not and, sometimes, Heathenry 101, which I don't really want to do for random strangers. Why "I had a nice weekend" isn't answer enough, I don't know. Surely there are other people in Kingston who aren't practicing Christians or Christians-by-cultural-default, right?

So, dear Christian Kingston people - no, I did not have a good Easter. I did not have any kind of Easter whatever, to be honest. I went to a scifi convention, as I have done for every Easter for the past 9 years, not that you are expected to know that. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that the con is always Easter weekend, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have noticed that this past weekend was Easter at all. I did buy chocolate eggs, but I bought them a month ago for Ostara. They were delicious.

I hope that your Ostara was as pleasant as my Easter, really.






*I have no real objection to occasional dishonesty in general terms, as it's sometimes necessary.** But I don't like lying about religion and I'm lucky enough to live in a place and with people where I don't have to, so I try not to as a rule.

**Lokean, you guys. Also, I don't make a habit of lying on my lj/dw, so don't worry.

Today, as you may know, is Ash Wednesday. I had forgotten, since I don't go to church anymore and am not a Christian anyway, but there is a nearby Catholic school which sends some of their students library-wards on Wednesdays and thus I was reminded.

It's been a little over a year now since I stopped attending church. I miss it, sometimes. I mean, it's still a relief not to have to go every week and it's a relief not to spend one morning a week essentially lying to a very nice group of people. And it's nice not to have to hear sermons about the importance of evangelism anymore. But I miss the rhythm of the church calendar: Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, Pentecost.

My own faith has a rhythm, of course, but sometimes it feels hollow with no one else to celebrate. There is no liturgy, no prayer that I didn't write myself. There are traditions, but they're pieced together via translation over a gap of centuries. It's all very well to say "our ancestors did this," but I can't say "This is a prayer my grandmother prayed, this is the way my grandfather worshiped." My grandparents were Christians.

I think I miss communion most of all. I loved communion - the ritual of it, the same words said the same way every time. I felt a little weird about it, sometimes, but Methodists* don't bar anyone from participating in communion and while I don't worship Christ, the image of all humankind feasting at one table is a compelling one for me. I miss that.

I'm not a Christian and I don't want to be. I don't want a Christianized heathenry. But I do really miss going to church.





*I don't worship Jesus and I fundamentally disagree with a lot of Christianity but I will always kinda sorta be a Methodist.