(no subject)
Feb. 3rd, 2021 06:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darchildreThis post exists to try to get myself past a silly anxiety hurdle. I would private lock it, but I think saying this semi-publicly will be helpful to me. It's dumb though, so feel free not to read it.
Today in "ridiculous terrible things I have only myself to blame for", I appear to have actually given myself a legit anxious aversion to listening to The Magnus Archives, a show I wholeheartedly love. And not because it's scary but because I decided to do a relisten project between seasons 4 and 5 and and take notes about stuff I wanted to remember or track throughout the series and I gave myself rules. And it was really fun when I started, but then it became less fun and more work, and then I started avoiding doing it because I couldn't listen to it the "wrong" way but listening to it the "right" way wasn't enjoyable, and then season 5 started and I still wasn't done with the relisten so now I also couldn't listen to the new episodes because it would be out of order, and then I started feeling stupidly guilty about the fact that I wasn't caught up, like I was letting someone down or somehow being a disappointment, and now I feel weird and anxious and guilty whenever a new episode comes out. Of a thing that I love. It's the worst.
(Also now it's ending and I am also anxious about that - what if the ending is bad or somehow disappointing or unsatisfying? And that is why I generally avoid watching/listening to things as they air because this always happens, but at least that's a normal-for-me anxiety.)
So this post is me officially stating that a) I don't have to finish the relisten project and can listen to the show however I want and also b) that if that means waiting till season 5 wraps and I'm thoroughly spoiled for the ending, that's fine. Because maybe actually writing down that I have permission to do those things will stop my brain from being dumb.
Today in "ridiculous terrible things I have only myself to blame for", I appear to have actually given myself a legit anxious aversion to listening to The Magnus Archives, a show I wholeheartedly love. And not because it's scary but because I decided to do a relisten project between seasons 4 and 5 and and take notes about stuff I wanted to remember or track throughout the series and I gave myself rules. And it was really fun when I started, but then it became less fun and more work, and then I started avoiding doing it because I couldn't listen to it the "wrong" way but listening to it the "right" way wasn't enjoyable, and then season 5 started and I still wasn't done with the relisten so now I also couldn't listen to the new episodes because it would be out of order, and then I started feeling stupidly guilty about the fact that I wasn't caught up, like I was letting someone down or somehow being a disappointment, and now I feel weird and anxious and guilty whenever a new episode comes out. Of a thing that I love. It's the worst.
(Also now it's ending and I am also anxious about that - what if the ending is bad or somehow disappointing or unsatisfying? And that is why I generally avoid watching/listening to things as they air because this always happens, but at least that's a normal-for-me anxiety.)
So this post is me officially stating that a) I don't have to finish the relisten project and can listen to the show however I want and also b) that if that means waiting till season 5 wraps and I'm thoroughly spoiled for the ending, that's fine. Because maybe actually writing down that I have permission to do those things will stop my brain from being dumb.
