(no subject)

[darchildre]

So my grandmother, who has lived with us for many years, is currently in a steep and speedy decline. In the past week, she's gone from a person who had mobility issues and couldn't always reliably follow a conversation but could still sit up and watch the news to someone who can't move at all on her own and can barely swallow. My mom is her primary caretaker and we're very lucky a) that mom is/was a nurse and b) that we have hospice aids who can still come to our house periodically during the pandemic. Dad and I are helping out as best we can, me more than Dad in some areas because he's not doing any of the stuff that involves touching or moving or cleaning her, because she would hate that.

I'm glad that I can help - that I can be useful, that I can do something for her - but I hate it too. Granny has always been so fastidious and so private about her fastidiousness. She hasn't left the house except for doctor's appointments in over a year but she insisted on being neatly and cleanly dressed everyday. Up until a few weeks ago, she still wore a full face of makeup. She's worn a wig my whole life and until this decline, I had never once seen her without it. I can't help feeling like I've invaded her privacy, robbed her of a dignity that was important to her.

It sucks. Everything about it sucks. She can't talk anymore, she can hardly swallow, she's in pain whenever she's awake. I don't want her to be in pain anymore but to say that means saying that I want her to die, and that sucks too.

I don't know how to end this entry or what else I want to say. It felt important to write this down, I guess. I don't know.