darchildre | (no subject)

So, the thing about my anxiety is that I mostly don't want to get rid of it.* Occasionally, it causes problems for me, but it mostly feels like something that's part of who I am and how I relate to the world and the people in it. I'm lucky, in that mine is fairly mild and I know how to function with it and get around it when I am have problems. Because of that, for me, anxiety feels less like a disorder or a disability and more like just a way that I'm built a little differently than other people. I don't enjoy the occasional Day of Nameless Dread and it would be rad if I felt less scared before interacting socially with strangers, but there are things that anxiety has given me that I actually really like about myself. I am extremely punctual and reliable, and that's because of my anxiety. I'm very aware of my surroundings most of the time, especially in terms of people moving around or small noises and I enjoy that.

I think of it in a lot of ways as analogous to my bad eyesight. My eyes aren't terrible, but I do have to wear glasses. I like my glasses. If you gave me the opportunity to have Lasik or whatever so that I wouldn't need glasses, I don't think I'd take it. I like myself the way I am.

(Again, not that other people shouldn't do what they feel best to deal with both their eyesight and their anxiety and I'm aware that I'm lucky to be able to feel the way I do.)

However! The thing where sometimes I apparently like things too much or am too happy about something and my brain decides at some point that this needs to tip from happiness into very specific physical anxiety symptoms that don't happen during any other time: a certain tightness high in my abdomen near my diaphragm, an inability not to be aware of my breath, a kind of phantom drymouth? So that occasionally I enjoy a podcast too much on my way to work and still have those symptoms two hours later?

I would get rid of that thing in a fucking heartbeat.

*This applies to no one but me - everyone's experiences with their own mental weirdnesses should be dealt with however they feel best.